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Thank God I'm a Buddhist.

Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE !!! "

Many Zen teachers, in their pride, vainly boast that they know nothing,
but it is I alone who have truly succeeded in achieving total ignorance....

Flapping flag
Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping.
The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: "Flag is flapping"
A more experienced monk said: "Wind is flapping"
A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind is flapping."
The fourth monk who was the eldest said: "Mouths are flapping!"

Opportunity knocks.
Karma hunts you down.

A paratrooper was scared to jump.
His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, `Buddha oh Buddha' and you will be saved."
The paratrooper got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha," and a hand came out of the sky and saved him.
He said, "Thank God," and he was dropped.

Why are there no good Buddhist blues guitarists?
They have no soul.

A pilot is flying three people in a private plane - a Tibetan lama, and Bill Gates (the smartest man in the world), and a hippie.
Suddenly the pilot announces to his three passengers: "I have bad news for you. The plane is going to crash. We have to bail out now.
Unfortunately, we have only three parachutes. And since I am a terrific pilot, and I don't see any reason why I should die, I am taking one of them. Good luck!" And with that, he jumped out of the plane.
Bill Gates said: "Since I am the smartest man in the world, and very valuable to civilization, I am also going to take a parachute and save myself." And with that, he leapt out of the plane.
The lama said to the hippie: "I have already lived a long and fruitful life and have no need to live longer. Therefore, you may take the remaining parachute." "Relax, mannnn," said the hippie, putting the parachute on to the lama's back. "The smartest man in the world just strapped himself into my backpack."

What is mind? No matter.
What is matter? Never mind.

There's this wonderful story about the first meeting between Kalu Rinpoche and Zen master Seung Sahn:
The two monks entered with swirling robes - maroon and yellow for the Tibetan, austere gray and black for the Korean - and were followed by retinues of younger monks and translators with shaven heads ...
The Tibetan lama sat very still, fingering a wooden rosary (mala) with one hand while murmuring, 'Om mani padme hung,' continuously under his breath. The Zen master, who was already gaining renown for his method of hurling questions at his students until they were forced to admit their ignorance and then bellowing, 'Keep that don't know mind!' at them, reached deep inside his robes and drew out an orange. 'What is this?' he demanded of the lama. 'What is this?'
This was a typical opening question, and we could feel him ready to pounce on whatever response he was given.
The Tibetan sat quietly fingering his mala and made no move to respond.
'What is this?' the Zen master insisted, holding the orange up to the Tibetan's nose.
Kalu Rinpoche bent very slowly to the Tibetan monk next to him who was serving as the translator, and they whispered back and forth for several minutes. Finally the translator addressed the room: 'Rinpoche says, What is the matter with him? Don't they have oranges where he comes from?'

Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water.
After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water ... but no longer trip over things at night.
Skye Milo

Master and Pupil
Says the Master to his pupil: "Do you understand that you don't really exist?"
Upon which the pupil replies: "Whom are you telling that?"

The Pope, Sai Baba and the Dalai Lama
It was a beautiful day along the coast, quiet, sunny and warm. The Pope, Sai Baba and the Dalai Lama had decided to take a day off from their various opinions and duties, rented a boat, and went fishing.
A couple hours pass, at the expense of several ocean-creatures. Then Sai Baba spots a McDonalds at the beach. "Hey, I'm dead hungry. I'm off for a Big Mac". He jumps from the boat and quickly steps across the water. The Dalai Lama goes: "Great, I'm in." Jumps from the boat, runs across the water to land, where Sai Baba is already ordering.
The Pope stands a little behind, having never walked on water. But if those two non-Christians can do that, it should be no problem for him. He jumps the boat, goes "plop", and disappears.
Sai Baba and the Dalai Lama, enjoying their freshly materialized burgers, watch the scene.
Dalai Lama: "That didn't look good."
Sai Baba: "No, we really should have told him about those underwater stepping stones."
Dalai Lama: "Stepping stones??"

Enlightenment is your ego’s biggest disappointment.

Crossing the river
Prince Gautama who had become Buddha saw one of his followers meditating under a tree at the edge of the Ganges river. Upon inquiring why he was meditating, his follower stated he was attempting to become so enlightened he could cross the river unaided. Buddha gave him a few pennies and said: "Why don't you seek passage with that boatman. It is much easier."

Mind you - The first thing to mind is your mind. The last thing to mind is your mind.

Tibetan Buddhists and the light bulb question:

How many Madhayamka scholars does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to scew it in.
One to not screw it in.
One to both screw it in and not screw it in.
One too neither screw it in nor not screw it in.

How many Gelugpas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2 to have a debate about the nature of light and 1 to twist the bulb

How many Sakyapas?
1 to write the instructions and the auto-commentary, 1 to twist the bulb

How many Kagyupas?
But he has to spend years and years sealed in a cave first.

How many Nyingmapas?
But he has to dig up the instructions to find out the bulb is already in.

How many Bonpos?
But their bulbs screw in the other direction.

A noble one?
A man prepared a meal and some offerings for a monk who he expected to be a noble one, and had invited to his home. On the way back, he followed the monk closely. They passed by a drainage ditch, and the monk jumped over it.
The man thought to himself: "this fellow can’t be a noble one. How can an Arahant jump? I will offer only a meal to him, not the gift ”.
Further on, they have to pass a small streched water. This time, the monk carefully circumfered it and they crossed. The man was suspeciuos about the change in the monks behaviour, so he asked: “venerable, the first time you jumped over the ditch, but this time you did not… what is the reason of this?” The monk answered: “my dear donor, if this time I was to jump again you won’t even give me a meal.”

Why did the Buddhist coroner get the sack?
Answer:: because he’d always record the cause of death as 'birth'.

Peace of mind
The day after completing a 9 day Vipassana retreat, Dave turns up for work at the Zoo. Seeing how chilled out Dave is, the head keeper puts him in charge of the tortoise enclosure. Dave slowly walks over to the cages. At lunch time, the head keeper checks on Dave only to see the cage door is wide open and all the tortoises gone! He runs up to Dave and asks, “What happened with the tortoises?”
“Well”, said Dave very slowly, “I opened the tortoise cage door and it was, like, Whoosh!”
Ajahn Brahm

Doing nothing
A Buddhist phones the monastery and asks the monk “Can you come to do a blessing for my new house?”
The monk replies “Sorry, I’m busy.”
“What are you doing? Can I help?”
“I’m doing nothing”, replied the monk, “Doing nothing is a monk’s core business and you can’t help me with that.”
So the next day the Buddhist phones again, “Can you please come to my house for a blessing?”
“Sorry,” said the monk, “I’m busy.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m doing nothing,” replied the monk.
“But that was what you were doing yesterday!”, said the Buddhist.
“Correct”, replied the monk, “I’m not finished yet!"
Ajahn Brahm

Last updated: June 28, 2010

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