Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy.
Robert Anthony
One drink is too many for me and a thousand not enough.
Brendan F. Behan
Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they
are not.
Elias Root Beadle
Ambrose Bierce |
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I
think that I am.)
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will
ever regret.
There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know. |
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations
officers.
Daniel J. Boorstin
The most important service rendered by the press and the magazines is that
of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.
Samuel Butler (1612-1680)
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize
how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Calvin
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
Tommy Cooper
The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow
out of it.
Doris Day
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to
walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
Nice people have to be bastards every once in a while so that others can
fully appreciate their gentle, loving nature.
Dionisio
With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course is a very common
phenomenon.
Albert Einstein
Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out
on the joke of the century.
Dame Edna Everage
I
am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. Fields
It is astounding to realize that perhaps half of all human knowledge has
been discovered or created in the past century. But then again, so has half
the bullshit.
D. H. Futterman, circa 1988
When I am right, I get angry. Churchill gets angry when he is wrong. So we
were often angry at each other.
Charles De Gaulle
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
Ursula K. LeGuin
Count Hermann Keyserling once said truly that the greatest American superstition
was the belief in facts.
John Gunther
A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging
their prejudices.
William James
Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can be
tolerated only in race horses and fancy women.
Lord Kelvin
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Fletcher Knebel
You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right
and the budget is big enough.
Joseph E. Levine
I drink to forget I drink.
Joe E. Lewis
Man cannot make a worm, yet he will make gods by the dozen.
Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
One of the functions of intelligence is to take account of the dangers that
come from trusting solely to the intelligence.
Lewis Mumford
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to
be bought and sold are legislators.
PJ O'Rourke
Truth often suffers more by the heat of its defenders than from the arguments
of its opposers.
Admiral William Penn
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid,
but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth
more than my head.
Rita Rudner
He is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his
facts.
Richard Brinsley Sheridan
I dream for a living.
Steven Spielberg
No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.
Lily Tomlin
If you insist on measuring yourself, place the tape around your heart rather
than your head.
Carol Trabelle
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.
Harry S. Truman
Mark Twain (1835-1910) |
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once
- all is discovered.'
They all left town immediately.
A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a
liar.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes
you nothing; it was here first.
|
Unknown |
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
If ignorance is bliss, why are not much more people happy?
Talk is cheap because the supply outweighs the demand.
Laugh at your problems.
Everyone else does.
Without order nothing can exist - without chaos nothing can evolve.
Remember, every time you open your mouth to talk, your mind walks
out and parades up and down the words.
A man who desires revenge should dig two graves
When you're arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same
thing.
If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up"
said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"
enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I
hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.
A recent survey has opened a disturbing window into American culture:
We have a large number of cannibals in this country. When asked what
they were having for Thanksgiving dinner this year, 37% of those polled
said "relatives."
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
How many racists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None - they don't want to be enlightened!
How many Buddhists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None - they get enlightened themselves.
|
It might be a good idea if the various countries of the world would occasionally
swap history books, just to see what other people are doing with the same
set of facts.
Bill Vaughan
The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away.
Tom Wait
Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether
I win or lose.
Darrin Weinberg
THE MILITARY & WAR
To throw bombs from an airplane will do as much damage as throwing bags of
flour. It will be my pleasure to stand on the bridge of any ship while it
is attacked by airplanes.
Newton Baker, US minister of defense (1921)
In time of war, the first casualty is truth.
Boake Carter
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War
IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
Albert Einstein
Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally
employed only by small children and large nations.
David Friedman
In peace, sons bury their fathers. In war, fathers bury their sons.
Herodotus
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
Benny Hill
There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There is nothing
good in war. Except its ending.
'Abraham Lincoln' in "The Savage Curtain" stardate 5906.5
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one
of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
Robert Lynd
War is only a cowardly escape from the problems of peace.
Thomas Mann
Groucho Marx |
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. |
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
Jackie Mason
When the tyrant has disposed of foreign enemies by conquest or treaty, and
there is nothing more to fear from them, then he is always stirring up some
war or other, in order that the people may require a leader.
Plato
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
Jeannette Rankin
We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
Colonel Gerald Wellman
War: A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
POLITICS
The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
Every class is unfit to govern.
Lord Acton
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about surviving
until Friday afternoon.
Sir Humphrey Appleby
Political history is far too criminal and pathological to be a fit subject
of study for the young. Children should acquire their heroes and villains
from fiction.
W.H. Auden
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country.
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
Radicalism, n.: The conservatism of to-morrow injected into
the affairs of to-day.
Ambrose Bierce
Otto Von Bismark |
The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better
they'll sleep at night.
Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied. |
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs
and cutting hair.
George Burns
George W. Bush |
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they
basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas,
I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what
everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.
To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say
well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president
of the United States. |
Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.
Robert Byrne
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the
average voter.
Winston Churchill
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Will Durant
It is our experience that political leaders do not always mean the opposite
of what they say.
Abba Eban
Traditionally most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
Keppel Enderbery - former Australian cabinet minister
W.C. Fields |
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew
and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
Hell, I never vote for anybody. I always vote against |
They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety
deserve neither liberty nor safety.
Benjamin Franklin, Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759
Politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
Charles de Gaulle
What is the primary purpose of a political leader? To build a majority. If
[voters] care about parking lots, then talk about parking lots.
Newt Gingrich
If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually
come to believe it. The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State
can shield the people from the political, economic and/or military consequences
of the lie. It thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of
its powers to repress dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie,
and thus by extension, the truth is the greatest enemy of the State.
Joseph Goebbels
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt.
Herbert Hoover
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are
an exceptionally good liar.
Jerome K. Jerome
Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president but they don't want
them to become politicians in the process
J.F. Kennedy
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there
is no river.
Nikita Khrushchev
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name.
Henry Kissinger
It is true that liberty is precious; so precious that it must be carefully
rationed.
Lenin
Groucho Marx |
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere,
diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. |
H.L. Mencken |
Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual
ignorance.
I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it
is largely a waste of time.
|
You're planning to make a ship sail against wind and tide by lighting a fire
below deck?? I don't have time to listen to that kind of nonsense!"
Napoleon, about Robert Fultons plans to make a Steamboat.
Truth often suffers more by the heat of its defenders than the arguments
of its opposers.
William Penn
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
Laurence J. Peter
I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how
to do it.
Pablo Picasso
Ronald Reagan |
Politics is supposed be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
The most terrifying words in the English langauge are: "I'm from
the government and I'm here to help."
|
It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women
to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy
capitalism and become lesbians.
Pat Robertson, speaking of the Equal Rights Amendment Mar. 22, 1930
It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for
you.
Will Rogers
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Charles M. Schulz
George Bernard Shaw |
My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to
say, and then to say it with the utmost levity.
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly
to a political career. |
You must believe in free will; there is no choice.
Isaac Bashevis Singer (1904-1991)
Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide
everything.
Josef Stalin
The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep.
Clinton aide George Stephanopolous
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
Margaret Thatcher
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But
I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist
until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largess of the public
treasury. From that time on the majority always votes for the candidates promising
the most benefits from the public treasury, with the results that a democracy
always collapses over loose fiscal policy, always followed by a dictatorship.
The average age of the world's great civilizations has been 200 years. These
nations have progressed through this sequence: from bondage to spiritual faith;
from spiritual faith to great courage;from courage to liberty; from liberty
to abundance; from abundance to selfishness; from selfishness to complacency;
from complacency to apathy; from apathy to dependency;from dependency back
again to bondage.
Sir Alex Fraser Tytler (1742-1813) Scottish jurist and historian
Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking,
honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity.
But then, we elected them.
Lily Tomlin
Unknown |
The pursuit of freedom is the love of others; the quest for power
is the love of ourselves.
Politicians & diapers both need to be changed, and for the same
reason
If we quit voting, would they all go away?
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli'
meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
The latest new dance craze is called, "The Politician." It's
two steps forward, one step backward, and then a sidestep.
If the government is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle
have to dissolve their own government?
|
Man creates problems. Government and bureaucrats magnify them 100 times.
George Van Valkenburg
Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and
there is some evidence that they can't read them either.
Gore Vidal
It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing
over and over.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Life is a zoo in a jungle.
Peter De Vries
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
Jane Wagner
I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of continents.
George Wallace 1968 presidential campaign
I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There
were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly
trying to keep it for themselves.
John Wayne
The history of liberty is a history of the limitation of governmental power,
not the increase of it
Woodrow Wilson
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long.
Boris Yeltsin
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
