I have a mind like a steel trap. Stuff gets in there and WHAM! it never gets
back out again.
Bill Austin
People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the
world look weird.
Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal.
Bangstrom
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone
going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlen
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Dale Carnegie
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous
- everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield
Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
Sir James Dewar, Scientist (1877-1925)
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to
walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
Albert Einstein |
The difference between genius and insanity is that genius has its
limits.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and
I'm not sure about the former. |
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. Fields
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
Redd Foxx
The great question - which I have not been able to answer - is, "What does
a woman want?"
Sigmund Freud
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
Ursula K. LeGuin
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Samuel Goldwyn
No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face
to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally
getting bewildered as to which may be true.
Nathaniel Hawthorne
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
Kin Hubbard
I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There
is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness.
Aldous Huxley
Carl Gustav Jung |
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
People will do anything, no matter how absurd,
in order to avoid facing their own soul.
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding
of ourselves."
|
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think
it's their fault.
Henry Kissinger
Groucho Marx |
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that
fool you. He really is an idiot.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from
here!
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing .. if you can fake that,
you've got it made.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says
'yes,' you know he is a crook.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad
to get rid of it.
|
Is it progress if a cannibal uses knife and fork?
Stanislaw Lec
Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time.
H.L. Mencken
In an age of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
George Orwell
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
But not in that order.
Brian Pickrell
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have
rushed through life trying to save.
Will Rogers
You must believe in free will; there is no choice.
Isaac Bashevis Singer (1904-1991)
Opinions are like feet. Everybody's got a couple, and they usually stink.
Jim Slattery
God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams
Unknown |
No one is listening until you fart.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and
when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back
that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as
a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills
brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ...
Then things get worse,
Psychiatrist: Yet another person to talk to after you start talking
to
yourself. |
Frank Zappa |
If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened
to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on TV telling
you how to do, then YOU DESERVE IT.
I never set out to be weird. It was always the other people who called
me weird.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a
longer shelf life. |
